Archive for May, 2010

love you:)

May 23, 2010 1 comment

Hi All!

I am writing you at noon, on my bed, with a quad non-fat latte watching MSNBC. Life is good.

Last night we celebrated my college pal Rupi’s medical school graduation. I can’t believe we graduated from college four years ago and now she’s graduated from med school! In other awesome graduation news my old roomie/ platonic soul-mate Lizzie just graduated from her program for occupational therapy! Go Lizzie! Both Lizzie and Rupi were kind of awesome inspirations to me for going after what they wanted. Lizzie started off as a completely different major and decided it wasn’t right for her. She took the time to figure it out and seeing her grow into the beautiful, awesome, passionate woman she has become has been such a joy to see.

I have been so lucky to see these woman I have grown up with through college and beyond (Rupi, Lizzie, Jessica, Alicia, Liu,ย  Claudia and so many more!)and love them so much. We’re grown ups now, huh? Whether we end up as doctors or pharmacists, or therapists(occupational or otherwise), or business people or educators or public relation specialists, you all will always have the warmest, most special place in my heart!

Love you all!

Ok, mushy part aside, today is my day to get organized. My room and laundry needs some TLC and I need to plan out my week. Things are going to be super busy over the next few weeks and I have to be up for the challenge!



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Yoga pants and frizzy hair…

May 21, 2010 Leave a comment

Hey guys… let me tell you about the rest of my night!

I had a little headache and stayed in my room…then as I tried to sleep, my stomach began to hurt and my head began to spin… After getting up and pacing for a bit, I decided to drive to my mom’s house. Last time this happened, I had a little friend I would like to call food poisoning! Being scared that I might throw up at any minute and not wanting to totally gross out my roomies with the sound of me possibly retching, I hightailed it home around 11:30 at night. My mom is just the best. She was waiting for me, gave me a big hug and told me to get her if I needed anything. I stayed up until I felt better and slept like a baby. No puking or anything else. How weird was that? I think the fear of being sick was way worse than the stomach ache I had. I HATE throwing up and after the trauma of food poisoning, I was so scared it was going to happen again.ย  It’s funny that I talked about fear in my last post and then proceeded to completely let fear get the best of me only hours later~!

I guess the redeeming part is that I got up this morning, put on the clothes I hastily shoved into my bag (a sweatshirt and yoga pants – thank goodness it’s “free dress” at work today!), pulled back my frizzy, non-heat processed hair and went to work. Road bump #1 – SCORE 1 FOR ME!

Love you guys!

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Getting back on the horse…

May 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Why I used that comment, I don’t know. Once when I was on a Girl Scout field trip, I actually fell of a horse…the saddle wasn’t on right and all the sudden, out of nowhere – BAM! I’m on the ground, laying on my side, wondering where gravity went. The wind was knocked out of me and I cried, not out of pain, but fear. How could that happen? I depended on that damn saddle to keep me up, and on the people who ran the horses to put it on right.The world wasn’t upside down but sideways. I didn’t trust that horse either. Years later I rode another horse and it got spooked, went up on its hind legs and I realized I should no longer test my relationships with horses.

Sometimes I wonder if that same mentality of getting scared and giving up is my MO. I don’t like to take risks. You can ask almost anyone if I’m a risk taker and they would first laugh hysterically, and then say, HELL NO! Risks scare me, they make me uncomfortable, and if they don’t go my way I feel like I have failed. Every time I hit a bump in the road with my ED or with my pursuit of living a healthier life, I get scared and I give up…even if it’s only a hiccup. I’m one of those people who eats a cookie and then a cake because, well, the cookie ruined my “healthy” day. Of course moderation is key. If one more person says that to me, I will smile and then scream. I get it. The biggest risk I can take right now is to trust myself…my instincts and what is right for me. Somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to what my body needed. I stopped trusting myself to be me and instead put myself on autopilot and floated through, well, life.

Well kids, today I am taking the risk. I am going to start again. I am going to TRY! Try to be better, to do better and to not be so hard on myself for messing up…because let’s face it, we all do. right?

Tomorrow is a new day after all. I may even go to the gym. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to give myself 100%…It’s a risk I am going on and conquer!

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It’s Been A While…

May 19, 2010 1 comment

Hi all.

So, I probably need to explain where I’ve been and what’s been going on. First off, I’m sorry I haven’t updated. I’ve had a bit of a rough patch with school and work. It has been a really stressful quarter. I’m really starting to get the hang of school and am ecstatic with my progress. It doesn’t hurt to have awesome classmates and professors:) Even with the great education, I am just stressed…hmm…hard to explain.ย  I guess a big part of me is struggling with all the change going on in my life. In less than a month, I’ll be done with my job after 3.5 years. I’ll miss the kids and some of the teachers and staff so much. I am also still adjusting to life without my nonna, without her house and with how our family is without her. I miss her so much sometimes; it hurts from the bottom of my soul. I am beginning to move on and it’s weird and uncomfortable, but in a sense freeing. I know I am strong enough to be successful and live my best life, but I guess I thought she would be here right along side with me. What’s keeping me going is knowing that she would say, “Don’t be a baby!” haha. Some days are better than others. Grief just doesn’t have a time frame I guess. I’ll try to put my big girl pants on and do it!:)

Another thing going on with me is that I am having quite a resurgence of ED thoughts. I’ve been disappointed with myself with my own “healthy living” progress. With so much going on, I have definitely put taking case of myself on the back burner. When I’m not eating well, I feel crappy. When I feel crappy I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. You get where this is going? Poor self image, etc. I have a little down time with school assignments and am trying to focus more on being my better self. I guess when I did the majority of work on my ED in college, I thought the fight was over. Over the last few weeks I’ve realized that the fight hasn’t ended. Withย  any addiction or disorder, the fight never ends. I think somewhere along the way I forgot to fight for myself and just wanted to fight for other people. I won’t be able to help anyone in therapy if I am not OK with me, right? I have some work to do ladies and gents. Join me?

I love all of you who read this. You’re awesome. Promise to keep updating, even if it’s not always awesome…at least it’s real!

ps. I โค you Thor! she totally wanted me to mention her in the blog ๐Ÿ˜‰ Done and done!

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Dear Mom….

Thank you for giving me an AMAZING education.

Thank you for giving me your eyes.

Thank you for feeding me, clothing me, and giving me somewhere safe to be every night.

Thank you for never giving up on me, especially when I feel like giving up on myself.

Thank you for giving me a relationship with my nonna that changed my life.

Thank you for showing me that FAMILY is the number 1 responsibility.

Thank you for marrying my dad and having my brother and me. He’s a one of a kind, and an example of what a real man should be: kind, loving, and someone who will stand up for you.

Thank you for allowing me to dance, swim and play volleyball…all of these things took more time out of your day, but you didย  it for me.

Thank you for your sacrifices. Sending two kids to private school and living in the Bay Area is a real accomplishment!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for your laugh… Listening you laugh puts a smile on my face.

Thank you for being strong.

Thank you for not letting me come home my first year of college. I am forever grateful I stuck it out and now have some of the best friends a girl could ask for as a result.

Thank you for your understanding when I decided to change my career 3 times in 4 months.

Most of all, thank you for loving me and thank you for being MY MOM. I don’t think there is another woman as generous or beautiful or as AMAZING as you are.



ps. who couldn’t love a woman who gave birth to these kids?ย  ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Law and Ethics midterm! Be Back tomorrow!



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Teacher’s Lounge Heaven= Cupcake Avoidance Fail

ok, a bit dramatic, I know, but this morning I woke up and decided that today was the day for a fresh start – I joined the online version of WW and am tracking my eating -yay me! Then I got to work and realized this is Teacher Appreciation week, aka, Christmas for teachers! ๐Ÿ˜‰

The only problem for me is avoiding all the yumminess and going for my prepared lunch! I did decide that my need for chocolate and frosting was not worth the fight, so I did indulge in a mini cupcake with frosting. TOTALLY WORTH IT! I think my biggest problem is that I think in all or nothing terms. My eating is either perfect or terrible. I am approaching this lifestyle change in a different way. It is just so hard not to think the way I usually do! Our brains are so used to the paths that have already been created that it simply doesn’t feel right to change our automatic thoughts. Oy…most things that make us struggle are worth the fight, right?

Class tonight, followed by a salad and whatever else I have waiting for me at home ๐Ÿ™‚

Have a great day!

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