Getting back on the horse…

Why I used that comment, I don’t know. Once when I was on a Girl Scout field trip, I actually fell of a horse…the saddle wasn’t on right and all the sudden, out of nowhere – BAM! I’m on the ground, laying on my side, wondering where gravity went. The wind was knocked out of me and I cried, not out of pain, but fear. How could that happen? I depended on that damn saddle to keep me up, and on the people who ran the horses to put it on right.The world wasn’t upside down but sideways. I didn’t trust that horse either. Years later I rode another horse and it got spooked, went up on its hind legs and ran.like.the.wind. I realized I should no longer test my relationships with horses.

Sometimes I wonder if that same mentality of getting scared and giving up is my MO. I don’t like to take risks. You can ask almost anyone if I’m a risk taker and they would first laugh hysterically, and then say, HELL NO! Risks scare me, they make me uncomfortable, and if they don’t go my way I feel like I have failed. Every time I hit a bump in the road with my ED or with my pursuit of living a healthier life, I get scared and I give up…even if it’s only a hiccup. I’m one of those people who eats a cookie and then a cake because, well, the cookie ruined my “healthy” day. Of course moderation is key. If one more person says that to me, I will smile and then scream. I get it. The biggest risk I can take right now is to trust myself…my instincts and what is right for me. Somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to what my body needed. I stopped trusting myself to be me and instead put myself on autopilot and floated through, well, life.

Well kids, today I am taking the risk. I am going to start again. I am going to TRY! Try to be better, to do better and to not be so hard on myself for messing up…because let’s face it, we all do. right?

Tomorrow is a new day after all. I may even go to the gym. 🙂 I’m going to give myself 100%…It’s a risk I am going on and conquer!