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I Choose Love…

Good morning!

So, today my nonna would be 90 years old. It’s crazy to think that she isn’t here. I still look at the clock and see it’s 3pm. At 3 nonna had to take some medicine. It’s still an automatic thought to pick up my phone and call her. When there is thunder and lightning in the winter, my first thought is, “Nonna is freaking out!” She hated the sound of thunder! When I see old Italian people, (even when the rear end me) my heart hurts just a little. When I cross the street, I still begin to reach for the person’s hand next to me and when I see a bump on the sidewalk or a step I still warn people as I did with nonna.

When I think of the responsibility that was instilled in me, I think of nonna. When I think of a hot temper, I definitely think of her!! When I think of family, duh…I think of her. After someone we love dies, it is so easy to be “stuck”. After I began to break through some of my sadness over her death, I began to realize so much of my sadness was over her pain. I still deal with some of that, but for the most part there is a relief that the confusion, illness and pain she dealt with ended. I still miss her terribly, but I know it’s my “stuff” to deal with and that her pain is over. The motto I have started to put in practice is “it’s OK to miss her but keep moving”. Grief has no time period. I used to be so hard on myself when I would get these waves of emotion over her. It took me a long time to realize that missing her didn’t mean my recovery from her death was regressing. It was never two steps forward, one step back. It just took me a while to realize it. This doesn’t mean I am done grieving…it just means that I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it. There is no turning back… I can’t go back and change a thing… I can only move forward, living a life and being a person she would be proud of. It’s not easy. Some days are, but some aren’t.

Today is not a day to be sad. Some of the most fulfilling days of my life so far have been with her. I sound like a broken record, but I love her… In my opinion we hold on to the people we love.  The trick is to not stay in that spot, in that time I had with her. It is not February of 2009… I refuse to go back to that day. I take our memories and move on. There are always going to be bumps in the road, that’s just life. But nonna is with me more today than she ever was before. I have become more sassy and determined over the last year and I have to say I think it’s because of her. We always have the choice to walk alone or with the memory of those we love. I choose love.

10 YEARS AGO ON HER 80TH BIRTHDAY!!!

Nonna with her own babies!

SASSY!

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Ili
    July 15, 2010 at 11:08 am

    I love your writing so much. This really touched me.

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