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snapshots.

April 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Hey guys… instead of reading for my next class I am in the computer lab about to vent a little about my day. I brought an old book with me to work as it was  ironically about self-esteem (I was looking for  some guidance with some of my students). When I took the book out of my purse during my prep, 3 or four pictures fell out, and they left me kind of shocked. I picked them up and they were of me from high school. Thin, long-haired, beautiful me. Oy. I hadn’t seen those pictures in forever and  just as I start to put my appearance aside to enjoy life, there in my hands were pieces of my history I pushed back in order to be able to deal with where I’m at now.

I have to be honest….I wasn’t healthy in those photos no matter how much I want to think I was … I wasn’t comfortable in my skin at all, and constantly felt like someone would realize I was a fraud and wasn’t Naturally thin or pretty or blond. Ok, well, it think it was obvious I wasn’t blond a day in my life (haha). Even though I have come to terms for the most part with who I was 10 years ago, I can’t help but make comparisons. I feel unrecognizable when comparing myself to the pictures… It has become very clear to me that somewhere along the line I stopped caring. It’s a fine line for someone with an eating disorder; hell, caring too much was how my ED began. I think though, once I realized I couldn’t maintain the diets or the exercise, I just gave up. I LET MYSELF GO. I don’t want to be that person. This blog has been a way for me to express my goals and who I want to be, but I got a not so  gentle reminder that baby, I’ve got a long way to go!

The most interesting part about those pictures is that I have no desire to be as thin as I was. It was unmanageable and unhealthy. I feel that same way sometimes now. In my head the best me was the size I was before I began dieting. My body shape isn’t waif-like and never will be. I  Looking back, I think I was beautiful…I just wish I had known it. People can say something nice a million times, but I remember the one negative comment and believe it. As different as I look now, there are moments I look in the mirror and say, “damn you’re cute.” It’s not often, but enough to make me feel that I may not be thin, but I have and am constantly changing my relationship with myself. Now I have to do it with food….

I am glad I saw those pictures because in my head, 16-year-old me was a little too glamorized for her own good. I needed the reminder that looking good does not equal feeling good and that instead of being all or nothing when it comes to myself and food, I need to live it up in gray more.

hmmm….A lot of thoughts….

Have a good night everyone…All of this self-realization has got me beat!

A’s game tomorrow!

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